Meet My Worst Enemy
My friend and fellow journalist Sumit and I saw these T-shirts in Jerusalem, Israel and just had to buy them: “Write Your Own Story”
“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” ~ Jack Canfield
Recently, I’ve not been able to write. Not due to any lack of ability or scarcity of topics. Nor have I lost motivation, that’s still there. Writing remains one of the few things in this world that makes me totally happy. I fell in love with writing as a child. Over the years, that love grew and writing became the ticket to much of my progress – from achieving high academic success to earning my livelihood. Writing has also helped me to forge and maintain beautiful friendships, pivotal business relationships and a dynamic network of connections worldwide.
When I sit to write, I can escape to another universe. I become lost in the creative process and whatever is going on in my life, whatever emotions are controlling me, I could either totally shut them out as I write, or vividly capture every feeling through words. I express myself best through the written word. So why then have I not been able to write? I am afraid.
I’m afraid of the power that lies in writing, or rather, in good writing. I’m afraid that if I say what I really think sometimes, that my audience’s reaction would be overwhelming. I’m afraid that if I really showcase my candor, sarcastic tongue and uncanny wit, I could become very controversial, that I could get unwarranted attention, or perhaps some unexpected good fortune might ensue and change my life. Then I’d be even more afraid, afraid that I’d finally feel like I’m being heard and actually be heard.
My fear goes even deeper. I’m afraid that despite having spent all my life writing and dreaming of being a successful published writer, that I may never achieve that goal. I’m afraid that even after investing $70K in a master’s degree at Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism, that all those employers I’ve been applying to for a full-time job since I graduated two years ago, may never notice me, that they may never think anything of my writing. Afraid that no matter how talented my former bosses and professors said I was, that maybe recruiters don’t agree. That I may be doomed to this unpredictable, unstable freelance journalism “hustle” where I’m doing more research assignments than actual writing.
I’m afraid that my extensive experience in writing for newspaper, radio, television, magazine, and online will not serve me well. That the years I spent in the field covering breaking news, sports, entertainment, business, religion, conducting interviews, and laboring over feature stories and editing for endless hours in the newsroom, will all be for naught. I’m afraid that this prolonged job hunt will never end and that I will never again write professionally or see that cherished crown – my byline.
I wish I weren’t so afraid. But it has replaced my frustration. It has tested my faith. I even found myself asking if God has forgotten me; that of course filled me with fear. I’m tired crying. I feel like I’ve exhausted all options trying to land that dream journalism job, or any journo job for that matter. I simply feel like I just can’t catch a break. So alas, fear has consumed me. It has weakened my will, caused me to doubt my journalistic abilities, to question my calling – my writing. Heck, I’m even afraid that no one will read this blog post, be able to relate to it, or even care. I’m afraid I might just be talking and writing to myself.
So fear has won. Or has it? Hell, no. I’m still here. I’m still writing. My love for writing is unconditional. It’s a gift I’ll continue to share, one I will always fight to have recognized, and a dream that my faith leads me to believe will come to fruition. It will be tied to my legacy. I’m afraid the world will just have to live with that.
~ I Keep it Irie ~
Island Soul City Dreams 
I share your views on this post, it’s really hard for people when you go through something like this and after investing so much money, time and your heart into it , businesses want more from you. What more could they want or ask for but to just allow you the opportunity to show yourself to them.
Thanks for visiting Ainsley. I’m glad that you can relate. Yes, it’s a challenging ordeal, but giving up I’d never an option. So I keep pushing. Thanks for your input bredren. One love.:-)
Fear not. You’re writing will serve as your path to freedom and prosperity. Like all good stories, the value is in the journey. There are no worthwhile shortcuts to a dynamic destination. Live and compose your story. We are paying attention and are anxious for the next chapter. The triumphant elements of the script are a few pages away.
That’s really sweet and encouraging, Jian. I appreciate it more than you could imagine. Thank you!:-)
That was a candid blog post you wrote. I think everyone can relate to those feelings of fear (false expectations appearing real). One of the ways I condition myself to think and feel thoughts of abundance and prosperity is looking at my dream book. Its filled with pictures and goals that I want to manifest in real life. The key is developing and maintaining a stronger desire for your dreams than the fear of not achieving them.
Thanks for reading, John! And for your thoughtful insight. I sometimes struggle to remind myself of your last sentiment. You have a great outlook re: dream book! Thanks for that tip and your encouragement. I really value your feedback, thanks once again. Bless.:-)
In the introduction to ‘The Alchemist’, Paulo Coelho wrote:
We don’t all have the courage to confront our own dream.
Why?
There are four obstacles. First: we are told from childhood onward that everything we want to do is impossible. We grow up with this idea, and as the years accumulate, so too do the layers of prejudice, fear, and guilt. There comes a time when our personal calling is so deeply buried in our soul as to be invisible. But it’s still there.
If we have the courage to disinter dream, we are then faced by the second obstacle: love. We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream. We do not realize that love is just a further impetus, not something that will prevent us going forward. We do not realize that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey.
Once we have accepted that love is a stimulus, we come up against the third obstacle: fear of the defeats we will meet on the path. We who fight for our dream, suffer far more when it doesn’t work out, because we cannot fall back on the old excuse: “Oh, well, I didn’t really want it anyway.” We do want it and know that we have staked everything on it and that the path of the personal calling is no easier than any other path, except that our whole heart is in this journey. Then, we warriors of light must be prepared to have patience in difficult times and to know that the Universe is conspiring in our favour, even though we may not understand how.
I ask myself: are defeats necessary?
Well, necessary or not, they happen. When we first begin fighting for our dream, we have no experience and make many mistakes. The seecret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.
So why is it so important to live our personal calling if we are only going to suffer more than other people?
Because, once we have overcome the defeats – and we always do – we are filled by a greater sense of euphoria and confidence. In the silence of our hearts, we know that we are proving ourselves worthy of the miracle of life. Each day, each hour, is part of the good fight. We start to live with enthusiasm and pleasure. Intense, unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and, without our noticing, eats away at our soul, until, one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives.
Having disinterred our dream, having used the power of love to nurture it and spent many years living with the scars, we suddenly notice that what we always wanted is there, waiting for us, perhaps the very next day. Then comes the fourth obstacle: the fear of realizing the dream for which we fought all of our lives.
Oscar Wilde said: “each man kills the thing he loves.” And it’s true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far. I have known a lot of people who, when their personal calling was within their grasp, went on to commit a series of stupid mistakes and never reached their goal – when it was only a step away.
This is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it: renouncing joy and conquest. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understand why you are here.
Paulo says it much better than I ever could. But what he cannot say for me is that I am extremely proud of you for following your dream! And I’m cheering you on every step of the way!
Awwwww, Reynold, yuh know Paulo is boss! Thanks for such a timely reminder, for sharing some of his classic “knowledge”! And of course thanks as always for reading and being in my camp. Much appreciated! One love.:-)
Don’t give up, it’s very frustrating knowing that you have the qualifications and expereince but it seems like every employer shakes their head “No” but the right door will open up eventually. Umemployment is not a good place to be – I remember being unemployed for 2 years and had to take part-time jobs just to pay bills and maintain my sanity. I too used to ask God if he forgot me but eventually the door to full time employment opened. Keep your faith in God strong, continue writing, visualize yourself where you want to be and someone will notice you FOR SURE 🙂
Thanks Janice! I’ll keep pushing! Much love.:-)
At your birthday picnic I said I was proud of you for following your dream. I let fear stop me from following that same dream. YOU HAVE NOT. ALREADY YOU ARE A SUCCESS! I understand that need to write and as I tell my significant other, I express myself better when I write. He has many long letters and text messages to attest to this. I love to read anything you write, so never stop doing what you love. Maybe you need to start your own publication. Carib Scribe.
Awwww, thank you Kelly, this totally warmed my heart. Thanks for your continued support and encouragement and your confidence in me. I will keep pushing! Much love, my friend – always! And perhaps, you too should create a platform for some of your own writing?;-) 🙂 xo