Island Soul City Dreams

I love New York, but my heart has a Caribbean beat. It pulsates to the traditions of my people. Attuned to the rhythms of this City, I stay West Indian to the bone. I reflect. I analyze. I speak my mind. ~ I Keep it Irie ~

Men, Please Stop Calling Women Hot

Hot Blog

In my book, it’s not physical attributes that truly make someone “hot.” 

About a year ago, I came across a video on my Facebook timeline of Nigel Hayes, then 20, and a sophomore forward for the Wisconsin Badgers, where he was caught in a slightly embarrassing situation. Well, I thought it was cute. But he, having realized that what he thought he’d said in secret to fellow players during a press conference was actually relayed over the microphone, quickly covered his face.

Hayes had spotted a stenographer for ASAP Sports, 40-something Debra Bollman, and was so enamored by her, he whispered to his teammates, “God, she’s beautiful.”

As I browsed through the comment thread, I noticed several people — both males and females — echoing exactly how I felt about his actions. And as I revisited the video in preparation for writing this post, I reviewed the comments on YouTube, again seeing responses that captured my take on the incident. One commenter, The XXI, puts it as thus: “Man I gotta take the habit to say “God she’s beautiful,” instead of “God damn she’s f**king hot.”

Yes, I love that Hayes’ instinctive response was to say beautiful and not hot. It comes across as if he were describing the entire person, inside and out, although it doesn’t appear that he knew Bollman personally. It comes across as if he saw her as a complete woman and not merely as an object of sexual attraction. Young Hayes came over as genuine, sweet, appreciative of the woman before him, respectful. What especially appealed to me is that he didn’t sound “thirsty.”

I hate it when men sound thirsty. I hate it when a man calls me hot, especially when I don’t know him and even more so if it’s a man who claims to be seriously interested in courting me. No men, I don’t want you to call me hot. I find it neither flattering nor does it validate my sex appeal, nor who or what I am as a woman. Were a man for example, to say he finds my intelligence, wit, industrious nature, fortitude and other intangible attributes hot, that, I would find complimentary.

Some men don’t get this. They think that because they tell a woman she’s hot, she should simply accept what they deem the “compliment” and move on. Men like Marco. I dated Marco on and off for a two-year period a few years ago before and during grad school while living in New York City. He was a lot of things I adored, but never ready for a committed relationship. So over time, I stopped communicating with him. I recently moved to Washington, D.C., and as it turns out, Marco beat me to it by a few months. We reconnected virtually and he invited me out to dinner to, in his words, “welcome you to D.C.”

It was delightful reconnecting with Marco. I remembered all the reasons why I’d liked and dated him, from his smarts to his inimitable sense of humor, ambition, his overall magnetic charm and yes, to keep it real, his enthralling physical attributes. We discussed our history and evaluated why “we” didn’t work as a couple before, our current respective relationship statuses and goals and we concluded that the time was ripe for us to give it another shot. A real shot this time.

I made it clear that a solely physical relationship was the furthest thing on my mind, that obviously that type of interaction will become a reality once I’m committed to someone, but at present it’s not what I seek. Marco said he was on the same page with me, that he wanted to court me, to date me, that he wanted for us to truly become one, for us to get married and have children. That from hence forth, he’ll be working toward that. For once, he sounded serious and I took him that way.

The next day, he practically disappeared, citing he’d been very busy on the job. I too had been busy at work, but had reached out. I decided to not sweat it and just responded cordially to his text which came at the end of the day. The following day out of the blue, he texts, “You’re hot.” No “Good day, how are you,” or “Have a great day,” or “Let’s plan to meet up again.” His message totally turned me off. I’m not saying he’s thirsty. He has no reason to be. But he sounded thirsty, purely carnal and I didn’t feel flattered.

I told him all this and explained that had he said something like, “Hi beautiful,” that would have come over as more appreciative of the whole me. I further explained that if he’s as serious as he claimed to be about building something with me that he needs to understand and respect my position on this matter. That whether his intention was “pure,” that I don’t like to be addressed in that manner. Marco disappeared for more than two weeks, no response, no returned calls, nothing.

When I finally heard from him, he argued that it was fine for him to act carnal merely because we had a dating history and that I was irrational in my response to his comment. No consideration was given to the fact that his comment did not sit well with me and why. It especially did not work for me because no, he wasn’t saying hot in the sapiosexual sense and no, that’s not what I want to hear from a man who’s trying show me he’s serious about being serious in pursuing me.

What exacerbates the situation is the fact that he disappeared after I’d voiced my opinion, instead of having an adult conversation on the matter. To me, that further makes the point that it’s not me the person – inside and out- he was trying to get close to, but me the “hot” object of his sexual attraction. Do I think I’m hot? I’m hot alright, hot as in mad that some grown men don’t get that some of us grown women don’t find it hot that you call us hot.

~ I Keep it Irie ~

 

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12 thoughts on “Men, Please Stop Calling Women Hot

  1. I don’t think I’ve ever told a woman she was “hot”, but not because I thought it might be considered offensive or belittling. I’m just generally awkward with compliments. I will say I think you’re beautiful/gorgeous/stunning but even then I feel like I’m being generic. If I get more specific, then I feel like a creep. “I like your face… but not in an -I want to peel it off and wear it as my own face- kind of way”. I also tend to look at people’s lips, because intense eye contact is weird to me, so I always notice when women have nice lips. But I feel like if I compliment a woman’s lips, she’s going to assume I’m thinking something loose. There’s a good chance I am, but still. I even feel like complimenting their intelligence can sometimes come off a little patronizing. I’m just going to continue staring awkwardly and being eerily silent. It’s kinda my thing.

    • Yeah, G, that does sound creepy lol! But a simple “you’re beautiful” without leering, is definitely still more acceptable to me than even a whisper of “you’re hot.” Compliments in appropriate settings/situations are definitely welcome, some folks just don’t know how and when etc. lol! Thanks for reading and your two cents. And don’t be a creep lol! 😜 Bless up.🙏🏾😊

  2. Andrew Sobers on said:

    I’m not big on posting but having taken the time to read your post I figure I’ll add my thoughts. As I read the post a myriad of thoughts came to mind. Firstly, the thought of addressing a lady or any individual for that matter and like the first person commented I wondered do people start from an awkward position and without having the confidence to have an intelligent conversation, lead with a comment of familiarity without understanding the consequences. For example, a friend of mine once shared with me that while on her way to work she was walking past a group of guys and instinctively one of them called out to her ” my sexy Friend come here”, she had a few thoughts but decided she was going to meet him where he was (literally) so she turned around and walked back to him in front of his friends and said ” I am here, let’s talk” and his response was ma’am have a great day. It is fairly pellucid that if you treat people and more importantly a lady with the respect she deserves that moving to the next stage of (ship) friendship/relationship would have a stronger basis to build on and will be substantive.

    • Hi Andrew,

      Thanks very much for taking the time to both read and comment, I appreciate that. And I totally feel you on your point. It frustrates me to no end that many men can’t seem to grasp that. That “Hi Sexy,” greeting is something I’ve had an issue with as well. It happens a lot in online dating. When’s was on Tinder, far to frequently a man in his introductory message to me would say something like that, it was such a turn off and I’d often unmatch simply for that. I don’t want strange/unfamiliar men approaching me with such a greeting, or even a man with whom I’m not intimately involved/committed. Perhaps, for some women that rocks their boat, it capsizes mine.:-/ Thanks again for visiting my blog. One love and bless up.😊🙏🏾

  3. Victor Houston on said:

    God was showing off when he created women. So because she was made by God himself, her first name should always be know as Beautiful. Address her in the morning as Hello Beautiful her first name and Good night Angel as you end the day. The only time a woman is hot is when we as men piss her off by saying something stupid and her blood starts to boil because we as men did not stop to think before you disrespect her entire being. So fellas don’t call her hot call her by her first name Beautiful everyday for the rest of her life.

  4. Jenn/Sonny on said:

    Leave “hot mess Marco”⛹🏾 right there!!!!!
    He clearly didn’t get it back then or now ! You just explained you are not looking for sex but a real relationship and he texts “you’re hot”……he sounds like that’s all he is after!! And I have a problem with the disappearing acts, how can you take some one serious who chooses to handle situations (minor ones at that) in this way! I share your view on the hot comment, it’s 2016 for God’s sake, women, real women want to be valued for a whole lot more than body!!

    • Exactly, Jenn! If a man’s going to disappear under such circumstances, what happens when ish really hits the fan? I find such childish behavior – to disappear instead of handling the issue like a grown man – intolerable! Thanks for reading and commenting. Much love sis. Bless up. 🙂

  5. whitebellysheep on said:

    I don’t think I have ever referred to a woman as hot, but I will confess I never thought about it like this before. Living on the side of male privilege, there is a lot I don’t think about or have to think about.

    While I know that I would not mean anything degrading if I used the term ‘hot’ to describe a lady, I also know that there are too many men in this world that think of women as almost purely sexual objects. Men who refer to women as a ‘ting’ (thing) and speak of ‘hitting that’. There are still places where if a woman is not protected by her family, men think it is their right to molest her (to put it mildly).

    So I note and appreciate the point made, and will definitely think twice before calling a woman hot.

    • Heeey White Belly Sheep, thanks as always for reading and your input. See, that’s an important point there, you said you’ve never thought of it this way, but added you’ll make an effort to consider my stance. That’s what someone who cares an iota does, consider the other person’s view point in a matter that they say affects them. You need to send Marco the memo lol! Can you believe he’s our astrological sign, albeit on the cusp? Lol!Much love and bless up. 🙂

  6. Shami L on said:

    Well Marco would’ve had to listen realllllllllllllly closely to hear my “Polo” echo all the way from GTFOH Street. Should’ve told him he’s hot too…a hot mess. Better spot his motives now. Cause he’d only end up being a complete time waster. BIG diff between “you’re hot” & “you’re beautiful” at least in the beginning stages of dating. Once a man has proven his sincerity & there’s an eventual commitment over time, he can call me hot 24/7, every single day. :-). But not before.

    • Amen! This totally made me laugh! A hot mess is right and you’re so right! Marco simply doesn’t get it mi nuh have time fi teach a grown man dem tings seh! Lol! 😊 Thanks for reading and giving your insight – totally appreciated! Much love and bless up.😊🙏🏾

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